Choices

Inspired by the Monthly Writing Challenge

The next few weeks mark two years since the pandemic really hit home here in Italy. While we were under the international spotlight as the virus exploded across parts of the country and into the global headlines, we still had no sense of what was to come.  Swiftly, we went into lockdown as the world watched slightly aghast at the strength of the measures. We were very much restricted to our homes. One family member could go out to the supermarket, food stores or chemists. We had to carry papers justifying why we were out and we were expected to be within 200 metres of our home address unless we couldn’t access food or medical supplies within that limit. We queued up silently, two metres apart, in masks and gloves, not even daring to speak to anyone, to nervously do the food shop. In our home, in central Rome, we heard the birds and people singing and tried to block out the only traffic sounds in our neighbourhood, that of the ambulances heading to the hospital a short distance away. As it was for everyone, it was surreal, scary and stressful.

So, how to live this sudden change to our way of life, from a sudden inability to make choices? It hit home hard for me. Within a day and a weekend of grace, there was a 10 year old at home learning all day and a partner working in a job very involved with the pandemic response, at a desk for long days. The ‘charm’ of an open-plan apartment very quickly evaporated, there was nowhere to take some respite. We all thought this would be for a couple of weeks, but very soon it was clear that for an indefinite period of time the day would be dictated by an endless cycle of being ‘teacher mum’ and bearing a domestic load that was spiralling out of control. My own spaces, bound up in my own work, research and interactions, became buried under the overwhelming need to hold our small world together. A creeping feeling of a loss of identity. No choices.

It’s the control and the realisation of our ‘self’ that choices give us, that is so painful to lose. We forget so easily that we are constantly making decisions from the moment we wake up that project who we are and how we want others to perceive us. There’s a luxury in making choices that we can take for granted. Trivial things, what to eat for breakfast, what to wear, what to read. Then others, the ones that we suddenly realised make us who we are. What to focus on for the day, who to interact with and how to do that, where to find our quiet spaces, how we use our time, the schedule of our lives, our travel and leisure. Another layer, still, the choices about how we manage our relationships with our life support networks - our families, friends, loved ones and close colleagues. That hit us all hard.

As we emerge into the ‘new normal’, my own focus is on being wiser and more conscious of the power to make those choices freely again. We all of us, I think, are rebuilding our identities and our worlds with a greater appreciation for what our freedom of choice actually means to us and who we are. I’m embracing this with some big life decisions already in motion and I fully intend to continue to approach my choices with the respect they deserve. It’s just so incredibly wonderful to have them back.